I had a conversation with my mom earlier this week that reminded me of things that I have been thinking about.
A few years ago, I told a friend "I feel like God is preparing me for something." At that time, we were childless, with no real expectation of having children, and I felt that acutely. I had no idea what I thought God might be preparing me for. I proceeded to do lots of things to "fill time" and see what God had for me.
In God's providence, I got pregnant and carried Junior to term. It was then that I realized that motherhood is NOT grand. I don't mean that it's not important, or that it isn't worth doing, but it is not grand. It is a series of little mundane things that seem to go on forever (or so it seemed to the mind of the new mom). It never occurred to me how the noble motherly feelings would be interspersed by gross diapers, a lot of spit up milk, and not a lot of sleep. I should have known, I have seven younger siblings, but the connection never got made.
I remember thinking "I wonder what God is preparing me for NOW!"
Then, one day, in one of those coveted uninterrupted showers, it dawned on me: "this is it. This is what I am prepared to do. There might not be any grand finale, or huge 'life's work' that this is all leading up to. In a sense, I have arrived. I AM DOING the big things that I will do."
It's not that I was wrong to think that God was preparing me for something; He is! Glory. But not glory in this life; it will be glory in the next. That was where I was askew. I was living my life like I was in the wings, waiting to go on stage.
"I can't wait for my big entrance! I hope it impresses lots of people!"
In a sense, this whole life is preparation, but in another sense, this whole life is doing. What is my big role? To do the next right thing as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and church member. It doesn't look very glamorous. It is easy to miss the grandness of my calling for all the repetitiveness and seeming insignificance. I might never get the big part that I thought I was being "prepared for".
God doesn't tell us to go around doing grand things. God tells us to be faithful in little things. If something grand comes from that, it was God's doing, not yours.
You might think that being in the process of adoption seems rather grand, but if you think that, try it yourself. Writing down your full name, address, and SS# for the hundredth time does NOT feel grand. It feels annoying and stupid. It's like doing your taxes 100 times over.
Once Garnet is home, I am sure I will have illusions of grandeur, and I am also sure that they will dissipate pretty quickly when I go back to a lifestyle of sleepless nights and hectic days.
So don't tell me that I contradict this post by doing something grand. I am not. I am doing the next little right thing, one step at a time, and I covet your prayers.