I am a failure (but Christ has conquered)

Since Papa has been home, we have really felt the hole in our family. When we are all gathered together, we are not all there. We won't be all together until Ana has joined us!

Since Papa has been home, Satan has been trying to convince me that I am not good enough, and God has been reminding me to rely on Him.

It seems like every time I walk into the kitchen I cause some kind of disaster; today I nearly burned down the kitchen by turning on the oven while the towel-wrapped slow cooker was still incubating yogurt--by God's grace I noticed before open flames broke out. The slow cooker should still be usable, it is just a little fuzzy now in the places where the towel fused to it. Yesterday I managed to throw smoothie all over the kitchen while trying to cook something with Porgies on my hip... 

Because I am a sinful person, I am dying to blame someone else for all this, but nobody else is to blame. 

I feel like my life is a series of smaller disasters making up a larger disaster.

But...

"who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?”

Romans 9:20

My life may look disastrous (at least to me) but it is not a disaster. It is in the hand of God from beginning to end, and it is accomplishing His purposes!

Also, I feel inadequate because I AM inadequate. If I think that I can be a perfect mom, I am wrong. If I think that I can do any kind of good on my own strength, I am wrong about that too.

God is my strength, and it is by His grace alone that I can do anything worthwhile.

So I will never be good enough.  I will never be organized enough, or flexible enough. I will always end the day wishing that I had been a better mom, or a better wife, or a better friend. 

It is absolutely my comfort that God will always provide for all that He wishes to accomplish in me, my family, and His church, and I can trust him that foolishly burned towels fit in His perfect plan.

No matter how complicated, busy, or painful my life becomes, I will always have rest in Christ who has accomplished perfection on my behalf.

To Him be all praise and glory!

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

God is Good

Smooth travel to Frankfurt.  Ze Germans.  They don't let a German-made safety razor blade through... not even a Merkur Super-Platinum Rostfrei.  If the loss of my razor blade is the worst misfortune to befall me, I have nothing to complain of.  With the possible exception of euro-denominated overpriced kaffe. But it was good, so I concede that front as well.

I am sad to not be visiting Ana today.  That is not a complaint,  simply a fact.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Final thoughts

It has been a singular week.  Ana gave a happy squeal when she saw me this morning, which delighted her papa.  We talked and sang and said psalms and played with her rabbit and owl and reviewed her family photo book many times.  I think her baba does show it to her.  She likes the photo of mama (reaching out her hand to brush it), and small Porgies is interesting to her.  I think she knows the papa photo is me, and I asked her to remember me.  She likes her owl - when I put it away at the end of the visit, I believe she was looking for it (arching up her back to crane her head around, and lifting her right shoulder to an extent that made me think she might be capable of rolling if she really meant to, or may become capable with a bit of work).  She had good grip on my fingers, which was encouraging.  Yesterday afternoon I did feel her wiggle her toes (which are all bunched up) as I gave her a foot massage.  It was hard to say goodbye.

Now we are rounding up my fellow-travellers to drive back to S.  It has been a good week, but indeed a singular one in my life.  Now to pray for speedy courts and second travel dates.  Thank you all for your support in prayer.  Jesus Christ has conquered his and our enemies, and reigns at the right hand of the Father.  Thus, we can wait patiently and trust his timing and plan, for it will be right. 

Shall not the judge of all the earth do right?  - Gen. 18:25

And they were astonished beyond measure, saying "He has done all things well. He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak!" Mk. 7:37

Two of my favorite verses.

Now for travel.  Aptly derived from "travail".

Last Visit

Today I will get to see Ana for the last time in a while.  It has been a good week, and I will miss her very much while we wait the second trip.  It has been good to get to know her, see her personality come through, sing to her, say psalms with her (though I cannot say them very well in her language, so we use English), and tell her about America, about Jesus, about mama, Tater, and small Porgies.  She has a book of fotos, a little bunny like her brothers have, and a little owl like her brothers have.  Hers does not have a name yet.  Maybe Tater will make one for it when she comes home (he is the namer-of-owls, his is Owlet, his brother's is Mr. Whoo-whoo).  On to the orphanage.

General Impressions

Visa fotos went extremely well this morning.  Ana did super in the car and walking through the mall (I got to carry her on this walk, which was nice). She had no issues with the middling-busy crowd, and sat for her photo like a champ, though the lady wanted her on a stool, so both the nurse and I worked to steady her, keep her head up, and point her nose generally at the camera.  Bravo, Ana.  It waa also nice to hear the staff calling her Ana and Anastacia.  Since the visa photos, I think they are generally convinced that we are serious, love Ana, and want good for her.  This has resulted in a degree of thawing in their attitude toward me.  They have made it easy to take Ana outside, for instance.

I would like to attribute as much of their reservation as possible to a concern for protecting kids from random foreigners and/or journalists, and I think this is a real concern for them.  Nobody needs a media circus, or even noise on the internet.  The direction the orphanage is heading seems positive, there's a lot still to do, and you cannot erase the consequences of the past. But you can take better care of them.

Babas are in evidence everywhere.  There have always been a few (three to six) babas with kids out and about when I have visited.  I spied a baba reading to a group of three toddlers on our way back from the exercise room.  When the storm blew through, there was a stream of babas and kids filing in the back door.  Good things to see.  (I continue to say baba because the term lelya has not penetrated into common usage yet.)

One more visit tomorrow.  It will be hard to leave Ana, and I look forward to the next trip.  I look forward more to when she is home with her brothers and her mother and me.  I look forward most to the new heavens and new earth where righteousness dwells.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.  And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God,  prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place  of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."  And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”  And he said to me, “It is done!  I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.  To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.  The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.  But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”

Even so, come Lord Jesus.

Incidental Conversation

After breakfast, I took a stroll in the park and settled on a bench by the old church to jot thoughts and swat mosquitoes.  A resident had a similar idea, and after commenting on my shoes (Vibram five-fingers) sat down on the next bench.  I had offered a dobar-den to his comment, it being the wittiest reply available.  After a while he asked if I were from the town.  I smiled and said "ne, Amerikansky".  This is usually when people decide that I am functionally an imbicile, smile, and do their best to have done with me pronto. But this gentleman sat down next to me and started a conversation.

Turns out he has two kids, mid thirties, and four grandkids, aged 3-9.  He wondered if I was in P. on business, and I shook (shoulda nodded...darn) my head and said "adopt".  This got a puzzled look, and we attempted to talk for a while, I showed him photos of Tater and Porgies and Mama (by a dinosaur in So.Dak.), told him their ages, and then showed him a photo of Ana.  He was aware of the dom mediko-sozial, and my cartoon below helped him get the idea.  We had now spent about half an hour establishing what took you a minute to read.  He checked his watch, I checked mine, and we wished each other good day, and parted ways.  Now he knows that Americans really are imbiciles with funny shoes. But perhaps he at least thinks they are nice imbiciles.

On to visa photos, thank you for your prayers, our Gospod Bog is faithful to complete what he began.

Also, you can just buy Bibles in the bookstores now. Hooray!

Lunch and Letters

Sausages, plums, and yogurt to drink.  I like the food here.  But I was not brave enough to order a salad from the deli.

And for my language-loving boy(s) at home, a Cyrillic magnet alphabet board!  Trusting Google Translate, it says I love you, and you can arrange yourselves according to the singular or plural, as apropos.  On to the notary.